This is a site that had great graphics, but
when we asked for permission to use it, they told us they were
shutting it down:
WALLY
Why don't we start off slowly...
Here: "Erotic New Orleans Red Light
Tours." New Orleans is a classy
town... I'm sure they're discrete.
www.eroticneworleans.com/redlighttours/index.html
The page loads in. There's an illustration of a scantily clad
woman done in neon. Her bra is moving.
MURK
Hey... a neon woman in lingerie
with a wiggling top... you're
right, this is classy stuff!
WALLY
(reading)
"If you don't have fun with us,
you're dead."
(then)
Hmmm... do you suppose that's
some kind of threat?
There's a small curtained proscenium.
MURK
Hey look - there's gonna be
a puppet show!
A tiny woman walks out in a half-raincoat,
flashes us, and then walks off.
MURK (CONT'D)
Yeow! That chick just flashed me!
I like this place already!
The woman comes out and does it again, and
again...
WALLY
Okay - let's see what tours we
have here...
MURK
You go on ahead without me. I'm
developing a relationship here.
Wally scrolls down a bit, losing the flasher.
MURK (CONT'D)
You're a cold hearted bastard.
WALLY
(reading)
The "G-Strings and Pasties Tour."
Sounds promising.
MURK
Who's the guide on that one,
Tom Waits?
WALLY
"The good vibrations shopping
tour"... a shopping tour?
What's that got to do with erotica?
MURK
Well, I dated a chick once who
claimed shopping was better than sex.
WALLY
Hmmm. Still, I'd prefer to avoid
any erotic activity that requires
me to know my neck size.
(then)
"Historic New Orleans Vice Tour"... Historic...uh oh...
that means the
hookers are really old...
(then)
"Custom pleasure tour."
MURK
What's that, where they put on
rubber gloves and give you an
internal cavity search?
WALLY
Custom, Murk, not Customs.
MURK
Oh. Hey, look - "New Orleans
Sexiest Tours are for adults only.
We love our sinful city and are
very knowledgeable about sex, sin,
and vice both past and present."
WALLY
(reading)
"It's all here. Sex. Vice.
History. Shopping."
(then)
Again with the shopping.
MURK
They had to come up with
something to keep the wives
occupied, I guess.
WALLY
I think I'll check out the G
Strings and Pasties tour.
Scrolls down. There's a row of several bare
boobs (but they're very innocent looking).
MURK
Hey. A row of boobed wire.
Nyuk nyuk.
WALLY
Look - if you're not going to
behave we're turning this thing
right around and going home.
MURK
Sorry.
WALLY
(reading)
"Stripper clubs, gentlemen's clubs,
bouncers, barkers, and entertainers--
New Orleans has all kinds and we
want to take you to some of our
favourites."
MURK
Favourite bouncers?
WALLY
I guess they get thrown out of
these places a lot.
(scrolls down)
Let's see. This tour would set
me back... fifty bucks.
MURK
I dunno. You can rent a lot of
dirty videos for fifty bucks, and
probably have as much fun.
---------------
Here's an entire scene we had to lose when
Biff's Bunch said no:
MURK's at the computer. Wally's painfully
scrubbing away at his eyes with a toothbrush. (They've been talking
about Ron Jeremy.)
MURK
I've never seen anyone wash
their eyeballs before.
WALLY
I don't want to leave a single
trace of you-know-who anywhere
on my body. Just seeing his name
in print... my orbs feel so sullied.
MURK
Here, I've got something that'll
help... I'm pretty sure I've
found the perfect erotic vacation
experience for you!
WALLY
...really?
He heads over. www.superclubs.com/resorts/HedonismII/index.html
MURK
It's a resort in Jamaica called
Hedonism Two! "A lush garden of
pure pleasure"...
Wally looks at the bizarre photo of a couple
with their heads together.
WALLY
That appeals to cranially conjoined
twins, evidently.
MURK
Look at this. You can "Swim and
Bathe" au naturel... I'm pretty
sure that means naked. All the
food and booze is included, they
have wild pajama and toga parties,
and you can even take trapeze
lessons.
WALLY
Trapeze lessons? Why on earth
would I want to take trapeze
lessons?
MURK
Because you don't know how to
use a trapeze? Duh.
(then)
I've heard about this place...
it can get pretty raunchy!
WALLY
Well, of course... it only
makes sense that if you spend
any amount of time hanging upside
down and screaming twenty feet
above the ground it's going to
lead to rampant promiscuity!
MURK
I would think it was more like
the toga parties that would lead
to the sex stuff. Give the place a
chance, for Pete's sake!
WALLY
You're right. I'm being unfair.
A toga party, under the right
circumstances, could be quite the
erotic experience.
MURK
Now you're talkin'! And look,
the place has a big nude jacuzzi,
a nude beach, a nude pool with
swim up bar...
WALLY
Okay, you've twisted my arm.
I'll take a look at some photos...
MURK
Cool. Here, we'll check out this
link. It's Biff's Bunch.
www.biffsbunch.com loads in. It's very elaborate.
WALLY
Who's Biff and why does he have
a bunch? He's not Dutch, is he?
MURK
Biff's Bunch is a group that meets
at the nude beach at Hedo two
every year. Their motto is "Excess
in Moderation." Look, at the
bottom of his home page he's got
a row of bare bums.
WALLY
...hmmm... I'm starting to like
the sounds of this place more and
more. Any photos of this Toga party?
www.biffsbunch.com/album/Album_frame.t?albumFolder=
Bunch&Title=%22BB%20photo%20Album%20
A photo of a lot of paunchy middle-aged people in Togas loads
in.
WALLY
Err... I think you may have
accidentally loaded in a snapshot
from an old folks home there, Murk.
MURK
Wow... it looks like the time the
retirement village down the road
was evacuated in the middle of the
might...
(then)
Here, I'll find a picture of the
nude pool and bar... there'll
be some hot lookin' young people
there.
www.biffsbunch.com/album/Album_frame.t?albumFolder=
Bunch&Title=%22BB%20photo%20Album%22
A photo of...
WALLY
Great. There's twenty old naked
guys standing in the water, all
waiting for a woman to show up.
MURK
Maybe this one's better...
www.biffsbunch.com/album/Album_frame.t?albumFolder=
NudeBeachPool&albumTitle=%22Nude%20Beach%20Pool%20Area%22
WALLY
Uhm... Murk... is anyone under
the age of fifty allowed in this
place?
MURK
...err... it doesn't seem so...
(then)
Hey, but they seem like pretty
kinky crowd. I mean, look, this
dude's wearing a supple leather
body suit!
WALLY
That's his skin, Murk.
MURK
(looking closer)
Wow... he's really gotta think
about slappin' on some sun screen
once in a while.
Wally starts to head off.
MURK (CONT'D)
Hey, where you goin'?
WALLY
I need to see some scantily
clad younger bodies and I think
I'm just in time for the 'aerobics
for seniors' hour on TV.
MURK
...you're so critical.
(then, off monitor)
Gee, I wonder why most of the
guys shave their pubic hair.
WALLY (O.C.)
They don't shave - they've gone
bald.
MURK
...Okay, so maybe this crowd is
a bit too old...
----------------
This site was ready to give us permission, until their legal
advisor said no. Apparently prostitution is legal in certain
parts of Nevada, but advertising it isn't.
WALLY
I suppose paying for it is the
only way to be sure. ...did you
say Legal Brothels?
MURK
In Nevada, dude! Start packin'
your bags cause you're on your
way to The Cherry Patch Whore
House!
http://cherrypatchwhorehouse.com/
WALLY
The Cherry Patch Whore House...
I don't know, they're almost
being too subtle, don't you
think?
MURK
Hey, why beat around the bush.
WALLY
Why's there a cartoon of a woman
juggling a pair of cherries...?
MURK
She's wearing pearls. See? That
means she's a high-society whore.
WALLY
Oh, of course. I briefly forgot
my semiotics.
MURK
But you won't need any semiotics,
'cause the gals here are checked
by a doctor every week!
Wally gives us a look, then,
WALLY
Hmmm... they have a menu of
services. Let's give it a gander.
He clicks on menu. http://cherrypatchwhorehouse.com/menu/
WALLY (CONT'D)
Let's see. "Appetizers, Mabel's
Special Delights, High Roller,
Deuces Wild, Midnight Specials,
Desserts, and carry out."
Might as well start out slow...
Let's see - appetizers:
"Bubble bath - a soothing bubble
bath with as many ladies as you
wish... massage... XXX rated
movies... frontdoor view...
reardoor view." Sounds rather
tame, all in all...
MURK
Let's try Mabel's Special Delights,
then.
(reads)
"Sexual position demonstration..."
WALLY
If they start showing me slides
of their trip to India I'm going
straight home!
MURK
"Mirrored room... undercover blow -
for the shy gentleman... body probe..."
Body probe?
WALLY
Might as well get the old prostate
checked while I'm there.
MURK
"Straight lay... vacuum suck...
half and half..." Well, you gotta
admit, they're getting more
interesting.
WALLY
What's the High Roller offer us?
"Salt and Pepper" - gee I wish
that show was still on the air -
"Fantasies... cheek two cheek -
reversed with a strap-o"hhhhhhhhhh!!
Yeow. Errr, where was I...
"Champagne bath..."
MURK
I had one of those once.
WALLY
Really? How was it?
MURK
It was great, because, no matter
how much gas you've got, nobody
notices!!
WALLY
(a SIGH, then)
Let's check out Midnight Specials:
"Hot and nasty chat... live sex
show... box on a pillow..."
MURK
You mean instead of a single mint?
WALLY
Errr, not exactly. Let's check
Desserts: "French Cream... lick
the rim... soiled panties"?
MURK
Hey, at least they haven't
mentioned bananas yet.
WALLY
"Golden showers... Beer enemas"!??
Why would anyone want a beer
enema?
MURK
Hey, tastes great, less filling.
WALLY
Finally, Carry Out: "Stockings:
used and soiled. Day old panties.
Bras...."
MURK
Gee, I wish there was a market
for my old underwear.
WALLY
Something in the bear repellent
manufacturing industry, perhaps.
MURK
But anyway, not only can you buy
all kinds of raunchy sex, this
place also has a "Brothel Art
Museum. The only museum of its
kind in the world."
WALLY
(reading the list)
"Minutes from Las Vegas... open
twenty four hours... sexy souvenirs...
easy truck turnaround..." The sure
sign of a world-class museum. In
fact, IM Pei was recently commissioned
to design the truck turnaround at
the Louvre.
MURK
You gotta like this as a selling
point: "Paved roads."
WALLY
Unlike that goat path leading to
The Victoria and Albert.
-----------------------------------------------------------------.
MURK
...Okay, so maybe this crowd is
a bit too old...
----------------
This site was ready to give us permission, until their legal
advisor said no. Apparently prostitution is legal in certain
parts of Nevada, but advertising it isn't.
WALLY
I suppose paying for it is the
only way to be sure. ...did you
say Legal Brothels?
MURK
In Nevada, dude! Start packin'
your bags cause you're on your
way to The Cherry Patch Whore
House!
http://cherrypatchwhorehouse.com/
WALLY
The Cherry Patch Whore House...
I don't know, they're almost
being too subtle, don't you
think?
MURK
Hey, why beat around the bush.
WALLY
Why's there a cartoon of a woman
juggling a pair of cherries...?
MURK
She's wearing pearls. See? That
means she's a high-society whore.
WALLY
Oh, of course. I briefly forgot
my semiotics.
MURK
But you won't need any semiotics,
'cause the gals here are checked
by a doctor every week!
Wally gives us a look, then,
WALLY
Hmmm... they have a menu of
services. Let's give it a gander.
He clicks on menu. http://cherrypatchwhorehouse.com/menu/
WALLY (CONT'D)
Let's see. "Appetizers, Mabel's
Special Delights, High Roller,
Deuces Wild, Midnight Specials,
Desserts, and carry out."
Might as well start out slow...
Let's see - appetizers:
"Bubble bath - a soothing bubble
bath with as many ladies as you
wish... massage... XXX rated
movies... frontdoor view...
reardoor view." Sounds rather
tame, all in all...
MURK
Let's try Mabel's Special Delights,
then.
(reads)
"Sexual position demonstration..."
WALLY
If they start showing me slides
of their trip to India I'm going
straight home!
MURK
"Mirrored room... undercover blow -
for the shy gentleman... body probe..."
Body probe?
WALLY
Might as well get the old prostate
checked while I'm there.
MURK
"Straight lay... vacuum suck...
half and half..." Well, you gotta
admit, they're getting more
interesting.
WALLY
What's the High Roller offer us?
"Salt and Pepper" - gee I wish
that show was still on the air -
"Fantasies... cheek two cheek -
reversed with a strap-o"hhhhhhhhhh!!
Yeow. Errr, where was I...
"Champagne bath..."
MURK
I had one of those once.
WALLY
Really? How was it?
MURK
It was great, because, no matter
how much gas you've got, nobody
notices!!
WALLY
(a SIGH, then)
Let's check out Midnight Specials:
"Hot and nasty chat... live sex
show... box on a pillow..."
MURK
You mean instead of a single mint?
WALLY
Errr, not exactly. Let's check
Desserts: "French Cream... lick
the rim... soiled panties"?
MURK
Hey, at least they haven't
mentioned bananas yet.
WALLY
"Golden showers... Beer enemas"!??
Why would anyone want a beer
enema?
MURK
Hey, tastes great, less filling.
WALLY
Finally, Carry Out: "Stockings:
used and soiled. Day old panties.
Bras...."
MURK
Gee, I wish there was a market
for my old underwear.
WALLY
Something in the bear repellent
manufacturing industry, perhaps.
MURK
But anyway, not only can you buy
all kinds of raunchy sex, this
place also has a "Brothel Art
Museum. The only museum of its
kind in the world."
WALLY
(reading the list)
"Minutes from Las Vegas... open
twenty four hours... sexy souvenirs...
easy truck turnaround..." The sure
sign of a world-class museum. In
fact, IM Pei was recently commissioned
to design the truck turnaround at
the Louvre.
MURK
You gotta like this as a selling
point: "Paved roads."
WALLY
Unlike that goat path leading to
The Victoria and Albert.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
