Murk is dancing for his client.
WOMAN
Tell me about your scar - it's
so sexy.
MURK
What, this? It's where an alien
burst out of my stomach.
WOMAN
Fine, be coy. I like a man with
an aura of mystery.
-----
Wally has just done what looks like a cat's
cradle with his snot.
MURK
That's pretty good. Makes me wonder
what fun things you could do with
a raging case of diarrhea.
WALLY
Well, next time I'm stricken I'll
be sure to hurry right over... and
I'll bring a peppermill.
MURK
(thinks about it for a beat, then)
Ewwwwww.
---
The guys are at a site called GoodVibes.com
(they turned us down).
MURK
Wait - I saw 'Sale items'! Go
there.
WALLY
You're going to buy a discounted
vibrator?
MURK
Hey, women love a good bargain!
www.goodvibes.com/sale.html?BASKETID=00_382d9e32c63c4
A page of illustrated sale items.
WALLY
The rocket plug? What, for your
clients who are aroused by Star
Wars merchandising tie-ins? Oh,
and look - it's the Phantom flexor.
I hope he's back in the next episode.
Off the ear of corn vibrator.
MURK
Hmmm... think a chick would dig
being serviced with that?
WALLY
Only if she enjoys being corn-holed.
MURK
What about the cactus vibrator?
WALLY
For the woman who prefers little
pricks...
---
Murk happily starts typing in his order.
WALLY
Oh, and while you're there order
me two of the beginner's butt plugs.
MURK
Two? What for?
WALLY
I think they're just the right
size to shove up my nostrils.
---
Here are some left-over lines from the vibrator
site we did use, www.seduction.ca. Off a dildo with a major bend
in it:
MURK
And this! The G-Spot vibrator!
I could find a chick's G spot
too if my dick had a hook in it
like a Brett Hull hockey stick.
(then)
And what's with this vibrator?
The Mini Missile?
WALLY
I'm almost surprised there's
not a picture of you on the box.
MURK
How about this! The Samurai
Vibrator? What, it's got a
special blade attachment, so if
she can't make herself come she
can use it to commit Hari Kari?
WALLY
I wonder if they make a Kamikaze
vibrator? You know, it aims for
her funnel and then explodes?
Off the many vibrators with 'beaver' in their
name:
MURK
It even says here, "If one beaver
offers so much exquisite pleasure,
imagine what two will do."
WALLY
I'm still trying to imagine why
a woman would want to rub her
clitoris with a rodent...
-----
Here's some extra bits that deservedly didn't
make it into the www.realdoll.com scene.
WALLY
Look - they made a porn movie
with some of the dolls.
MURK
Yeah, big deal. I used to do that
with my sister's Barbies.
WALLY
Perhaps, but not starring the
world's most repulsive adult film
star, Ron Jeremy!
MURK
Ewwwwww. Still, I'm not surprised.
I knew eventually real women would
come to their senses and refuse
to shtup him.
WALLY
I imagine after they shot the
film they had to burn the dolls.
MURK
Or bury them as toxic waste.
Can we move, this is making me
queasy.
WALLY
Sorry... here, we'll check out
the FAQs. Oh good, the dolls can
hold up to 500 pounds.
MURK
So they can be in movies with
Ron Jeremy, I guess.
WALLY
Oooh... you can pose the ladies
in several positions, including
doggy style. That way after having
sex with one you can use her as
a coffee table.
MURK
Oh, and you can soak them in scalding
hot water to make their body
temperature seem more realistic.
WALLY
Hah! I'd like to see a necrophiliac
be able to do that with a real
body! They'd just end up making soup!
MURK
This is kinda creepy... the doll
would just lie there motionless
while you humped it...
WALLY
Much like the last escort I hired...
MURK
Oh, but this is good - you can buy
a CD to go along with the doll to
help the sex stuff seem more real...
It's a sultry chick's voice...
WALLY
Saying, "so what if you're getting
off by rogering the stuff they seal
bathtubs with... at least you don't
have to cuddle afterwards..."
(n.b. - the soup line made Frank cringe.)
