WALLY's looking at Murk's pile of purloined
newspapers - all still wrapped up in their elastic bands.
WALLY
He's hoarding stolen newspapers.
Incredible... not only is his brain
the size of a squirrel's, he's
begun to take on their characteristics.
-----
Murk is looking at human hair sites.
WALLY
Yes, I may be bereft of this
frankly unnecessary ornamentation...
But I happen to think my baldness
represents a further step up the
evolutionary chain, away from our
hairy small-brained simian ancestors.
MURK
Hey! Watch what you say about
my uncle Yurgi!
-----
Wally is surprised Murk is willing to sell
his hair.
MURK
Not my hair you idiot. As if I'd
destroy the dreads I took years
to construct...
WALLY
Good point. You wouldn't want a
Greenpeace protest on your hands,
decrying the enormous loss of plant
and animal life that would result
from your getting a hair cut.
-----
MURK
Ah, here we go. A discussion board
for people who want to sell their
head lawns!
WALLY
The computer's great gift to
mankind. Now people from different
countries all over the world can
meet on the internet, to barter
for their hair.
-----
MURK
I had a date with Pix last night
and I convinced her to let me do
a makeover on her.
WALLY
In other words you got her drunk,
waited until she passed out, sheered
off the hair she's been growing
for over ten years like she was
some kind of wool-bearing farm
animal, and then spirited it away
in an empty milk baggie?
MURK
Well it wouldn't have done me any
good to cut off someone's crew-cut,
would it!? Who'd pay money for a
wig that makes 'em look like Norman Schwartzkoff?!
-----
MURK
...I forgot to bring the scissors,
so I had to use a weed whacker...
Which turned to be much faster,
anyway.
WALLY
Murk, that's appalling!
MURK
I'll say. I'm still trying to
clean out this thing! ...and
what is this, an earring?
-----
MURK
Okay, so a head of hair only
goes for about twentysix bucks.
That means I'll have to harvest
about ten heads a week to keep
me in macaroni and cheese...
Hmmmm. Factor in the wine and
the weed...
(then)
Hmmm, I wonder if I can get a
small business start-up grant...
-----
Murk's Self has just shown up.
MURK
Whoa, this is way too freaky.
Does this have something to do
with eating the sandwich I found
on the subway grate?
-----
The two Murks are looking at the Cane Toad
section of the roadkill site. They've just read that some Australians
wallop toads with golf clubs for sport.
MURK'S SELF
Finally! Someone has invented a
sport I can relate to!
MURK
I know what you mean! Not like
those sissy olympic sports with
their tight little outfits and
that wussy "no performance enhancing
drug" policy!
MURK'S SELF
Right on! Drug ingesting should
be a sport in itself!
MURK
We've been going for the gold
our whole lives!
They give each other a high five.
-----
Here's yet another quiz that we decided to
cut.
MURK
Yeah. I suppose that is a little
unusual. Even for me. And I didn't
even touch the peyote. So what do
you suggest, Doctor Fraud?
WALLY
There's another site that came
up here. It's a mental health
self-diagnosis quiz.
http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/pds.html
MURK
I thought you said he didn't exist.
WALLY
I meant... oh never mind. Just
answer the questions.
MURK
Okee-dokee.
WALLY
"Do you suspect that others are
exploiting, harming or deceiving
you?"
MURK
Yes, but isn't that normal? I'm
a bike courier for frig's sake!
WALLY
Gotcha. "Do you persistently
bear grudges and not forget
insults or injuries?"
MURK
Well of course! Like I'm gonna
let some rat bastard get away with
any crap! Beside, I'm a--
WALLY
I know I know, you,re a bike
courier. Okay. "Do you almost
always choose solitary activities?"
MURK
Does phone sex count?
WALLY
Let's make that a yes. "Do you
experience magical thinking that
influences your behaviour?"
MURK
If they mean mushrooms, that's a
resounding yes!
WALLY
"Do you repeatedly get into
conflicts with the law?"
MURK
No.
WALLY
What do mean no?
MURK
Just checking to see if you were
listening. Next.
WALLY
"Are you easily influenced by
others or are you suggestible?"
MURK
I'll let you take that one.
WALLY
"Are you preoccupied with details,
rules, lists, order, organization,
or schedules?"
MURK
Whoa! Finally! A definite no!
I was beginning to think I was
crazy there for a second!
