The first draft of this show is almost completely
different from the show that went to air. Here's a lot of what
we had to lose.
After being shot down at the tattoo parlour,
Murk's frustrated by his waning hipness, but refuses to give
up.
MURK
Not yet! I still have living to do!
WALLY
(quoting Dylan Thomas)
Ahh, yes - "...rage, rage against
the dying of the light!"
Murk stares at Wally for a moment, then,
MURK
Your school must've had one real
lame football team if that was
their cheer.
--------------
Murk does to the computer to check out tongue
piercing.
(Neither of these two sites responded to our
requests for permission):
www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Alley/8960/piercing.html
(The title is PIERCING GALLERY - with a bloody
dripping underline. 'My Tongue Piercing' is flashing.)
MURK
See? This guy got his tongue pierced.
WALLY
Oh, and that necessitated a website?
What, a press release wasn't enough?
MURK
He's sharing. And the dripping blood
is a classy touch.
WALLY
(reading)
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen - exclamation.
I did it. I realized one of my crazy
thoughts and dot dot dot did it."
How wonderful for him.
MURK
You're always so negative.
WALLY
If I may quibble for a moment.
Piercing one's tongue hardly rates
as a crazy thought these days...
Irrational - yes. But crazy... no.
MURK
(ignoring him)
Dig the wacky happy face huh.
(then, reading)
Let's have a look.
Photo of a tongue being prepped with a hypodermic.
WALLY
Aeeiiiigghhhhhh!
MURK
(reading)
"No fear, it doesn't cause pain."
WALLY
Uh huh... and they say that about
circumcision, too.
MURK
Are you trying to tell me you
remember your's hurt?
WALLY
As soon as I could talk I filed
a lawsuit.
(then)
Where'd you think those cheques
I get every month came from?
Next photo of the tongue being pierced.
MURK
(reading)
"Well, I know what it looks like
but it really causes no pain."
WALLY
Sure, if you're whacked out on ecstasy.
MURK
(reading)
"Hmmm, the first two days you're
just slavering---" What's slavering?
WALLY
Drooling.
MURK
Really? I'll be drooling?
WALLY
Like a rabid mongrel.
MURK
That can't be popular with the chicks.
Unless I got a really funky bib, maybe.
(reading)
"After three or four days you'll be
able to speak again (Wow!)"
WALLY
Pity.
MURK
(reading)
"Yes, and just after one week you
can also start eating again! (Oh dear,
believe me, I was hungry like bear.)"
WALLY
Who the hell wrote this, Boris Yeltsin?
MURK
(reading)
"To get pierced was a very strange
experience... oh... it is still a
very strange, but also a wonderful
feeling and not disagreeable."
WALLY
The end. I give it a D minus.
MURK
It doesn't seem so bad. Here, let's
go to another site.
WALLY
We're using a computer to look at
pictures of tongues. And to think
I used to mock those futuristic predictions in Popular Mechanics...
The new site www.ticnet.com/tongue/ starts
to load in. The main page is pretty bland, with a TONGUE PAGE
99 at the top.
MURK
Okay... let's see... tongue contest,
long tongues, limber tongues, famous
tongues... Christmas tongues? What
the heck is a Christmas tongue?
WALLY
Gutted and stuffed, perhaps?
He clicks on Christmas tongues. Up comes the
Christmas Tongue Gallery index.
MURK
Ooh! Look! It says forked! This
I gotta see!
The page takes a while to load in. (There
are several photos of a woman who's had her tongue split.)
WALLY
Why would someone split their tongue?
MURK
So you could eat two different foods
at the same time without getting the
tastes mixed up... duh.
The first photo shows the woman's tongue bits
folding over one another.
WALLY
My mother always told me not to trust
a person who crosses their tongue
when they make a promise.
MURK
Hey, a tear-drop tattoo. I heard
that in some gangs that means
someone you know got killed.
WALLY
Probably her father, who dropped
dead from a heart attack when she
came home looking like this.
MURK
And cool, she's got those things
in her cheek.
WALLY
Another game of 'pin the tail on
the eccentric' gone terribly wrong...
The next series of shots show her holding
a cigarette between her tongue halves, holding a Q-Tip and cleaning
her own nostril, holding a lit match and lighting a cigarette
and one with her tongue in a ruler.
MURK
Wow... she can clean her own nose.
WALLY
I'm so envious. I have to have a
charwoman come in twice a week to
do mine.
(then)
And look! She can lick both sides
of a ruler simultaneously!
MURK
Geez - and at the same time, too!
(then)
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
WALLY
Not likely, unless I've just had
some kind of seizure...
MURK
A split tongue... sex?
WALLY
...so?
MURK
Think what she could do with that
tongue in bed!
WALLY
...Like what?
MURK
She... she... she could light the
cigarettes afterwards.
WALLY
And then gently clean your nostrils...
MURK
(a long look, then)
Man, you're into some twisted alt-sex
scenarios.
(then)
Okay. I wonder which I should choose...
piercing or splitting?
WALLY
Of course, she did both.
MURK
Hey, you're right. I wonder why.
WALLY
Perhaps she never meant to. Maybe
her tongue was too dry when they
pierced it and it just happened to
split.
(then)
Let's check out your other options...
Wally clicks back, and then clicks on what's
listed forth but called 'page one.' A page of several photos
of different folks with pierced tongues loads in. One woman has
an alarmingly long tongue.
MURK
Wow that's a long tongue.
WALLY
She's a lingual John Holmes.
MURK
Not only could she clean her own
nostrils, she could probably lick her
own butt. ...I wonder if she's tried...
WALLY
Let's just be satisfied that she
theoretically could.
A photo of a tongue with a ring through its
tip and through the connective tissue under the tongue comes
up.
WALLY (cont'd)
That can't be comfortable.
MURK
Cool, one more ring and you could
hang her tongue from a curtain rod.
A photo of a tongue with 4 barbells:
WALLY
That's it, we have a winner. You
can't stuff more crap into your
mouth than this person has.
The next photo is a tongue that has 6 barbells
and a spike.
WALLY (cont'd)
I stand corrected.
MURK
Wayyy cool. That's decided it for me.
I'm definitely going with the
multiple piercings and filling my
tongue with those spikey things.
WALLY
And then what, hire it out as a
cheese grater?
------------
In the produced show, the guys go to Mr. Blow-up.
In this draft, they go to a couple of Burning Man sites, both
of whom said no to our requests.
WALLY
Then let's check out this event,
'The Burning Man.'
He's at (Burning Man 98, photographs by Steven
Noreyko.) He clicks on enter.
MURK
The Burning Man? ...sounds like
me after my last date.
WALLY
Let's see... he wants us to select
a category.
MURK
(reading)
"Art slash cool stuff. People. Camps.
Community dance. Bioluminati (my camp).
Friends. The Burning Man. Self.
Storms slash dust."
(then, confused)
What's this all about, again?
WALLY
It's an annual festival they hold
in Nevada.
MURK
And they burn a big guy.... so?
WALLY
That's just the big finish. Before
that there's days of cavorting,
playing, creativity and plenty of
running around nude.
MURK
Running around NUDE? Why didn't
you say so! Oh yeah, look - it says
right here:
(reading)
"Note: Some photographs may contain
human nudity---"
WALLY
And may have come in contact with
peanuts or peanut products.
MURK
(reading)
"If you are offended by nudity in
art, please go away."
(then)
Offended by nudity in art? What, is
he nuts? What, it's gonna have a
'harmful impact'?
WALLY
It's just a formality. Although...
I did once see a Mapplethorpe
that permanently affected the way
I think of hand mixers.
MURK
(ignoring him)
Let's see... if there might be
nakedness, the most logical place
to look at would be 'people.'
He clicks on 'people.' Two thumbnails labelled
'Green Fuzzy' and 'Green Fuzzy Biker' appears.
MURK (cont'd)
...Huh?
He clicks on Green Fuzzy Biker to enlarge
it. It loads in. It's a guy wearing a fuzzy green body suit sitting
on a old high-rise handlebar bicycle.
MURK (cont'd)
Huh?
He clicks on it again to enlarge it even more.
WALLY
Hmmm.
MURK
I don't know... doesn't look to
me like that guy's nude - unless
that's one honkin' dose of fungus.
WALLY
No... but it is a rather funky
look you might consider adopting.
MURK
Sure, next time I feel like getting
the crap knocked outta me. I guarantee -
this dude didn't live to see the sunset.
WALLY
Well, keep looking...
MURK
I know... I'll try Camps. I
remember Camp... circle jerks...
skinny dipping... panty raids...
WALLY
Hiking until you collapsed and
vomited from fatigue.
MURK
Geez - where you do that? The Marines?
WALLY
No. YMHA day camp.
MURK
They made you march until you puked?
WALLY
Well... it wasn't so much marching as...
MURK
As what?
WALLY
It was all uphill from our cabins
to the cafeteria.
(then)
But that's neither here nor there.
We're trying to find you a new look.
Murk clicks on Camps. A bunch of thumbnails
load in.
MURK
Ring of mud?
WALLY
Has possibilities... and it's
certainly not that big a departure
from your current look.
He clicks on the photo until it's as large
as it gets. There's about 40 naked guys lying belly down in a
mud bowl, with a few naked guys slithering across their backs.
MURK
What the fuck?
WALLY
That's unusual...
MURK
I heard about something like this
happening in San Francisco. They
had to break it up with police horses.
WALLY
It does seem rather... male dominated.
MURK
I might be looking for a new image,
but I'm not prepared to go quite
that far just yet, thanks.
(then)
Any other bright ideas, Mr. Hawking?
WALLY
There was one other intriguing related
site I noticed...
He types in www.angelfire.com/ca2/desertfire/
WALLY (cont'd)
"The Bean Dip at Burning Man."
MURK
Now you're taking us to recipes?
WALLY
No. I believe it's a photo chronicle
of a 'happening.'
MURK
You just keep thinking, Butch.
The first images appear. There's a guy reposing
on a wacky divan/litter kind of thing, that has a camel's head
on one end.
MURK (cont'd)
Hey look, it's Dennis Leary.
WALLY
And Jerome.
MURK
Who?
WALLY
Sorry... an ungulate reference
purely for me.
MURK
(reading)
"...I replaced the cot with an
inflatable pool and filled it
with about three hundred pounds
of silky pinto beans. The bean
dip was an immediate success."
WALLY
The guacamole, however, went untouched.
They scroll down to the next photo. (Labelled
'one of the first to take a dip.')
MURK
(reading)
"People responded intuitively to
the bean dip by removing most or
all of their clothes"---that's an
intuitive response to beans?
WALLY
You have to remember it's very hot
in Nevada.
MURK
(reading)
"...removing most or all of their
clothes, stepping in, then scooching
down and wiggling into the beans."
WALLY
Scooching? Isn't that what a dog
does when it's got something stuck
in its butt?
MURK
That's called Scooting.
WALLY
Ahhh, the subtle nuances of language!
We see the next photo - a naked women in
the beans - with her unmentionables covered with beans.
MURK
Bingo! Ten-four! Copy that!
(then, reading)
"Some people found it real easy to
relax and let go..."
WALLY
I tried that once in a public
pool and got chased out by an angry
mob.
MURK
(reading)
"She's enjoying the cascades of
beans. I quickly learned each
dippers' favorite spot." I bet
he did. A whoo a whoo!!
The next photo's of a chunky bearded guy lying
in the beans.
WALLY
(reading)
"Dipping wasn't just for women."
MURK
It also appeals to sweaty, overweight
truck drivers.
We move to the next photo. (There's a topless
woman, but she's small in the shot and a bit hard to clearly
make out. There's also a naked guy seen from the rear, with two
painted hand-prints on his bum cheeks.)
WALLY
"This gal rolled up her sleeves -
question mark - and helped bean
people." I hope her next target
was this guy over here - across
the head with a frying pan, preferably.
MURK
I think I read about that make-up
technique in Cosmopolitan: twenty
ways to hide the flaws in your saggy
ass.
(then)
Hey - "She later jumped in herself!"
There's a photo of her mostly covered with
beans - we might have to pixel out her nipples.
WALLY
She jumped in herself? Metaphysically,
like?
MURK
Hey. I'd jump in her, too.
There are a few more shots of various folks
in the pool with the beans - none very explicit.
MURK (cont'd)
Look at all these people! Geez...
so that's all I gotta do to
suddenly be the hippest guy around?
Fill a pool with dried garbanzos?
WALLY
Evidently. Says here he got blisters
on his fingers from pouring tons
of beans over people.
MURK
I'm sure that's not the only thing
that got blistered...
(then, happily)
Wally! You did it! You found my
next kicky look.
He starts to head to the kitchen.
MURK (cont'd)
I don't think I've got any beans,
though. Think macaroni and cheese
would work as well?
WALLY
I'd be reluctant to stray from his
fine example.
MURK
You're right. Don't mess with success.
I'd better hit the grocery store...
and stock up on rubbers, too.
He hurries out. Wally watches, shaking his
head.
WALLY
Such a senseless waste of life.
CUT TO:
TIGHT ON MURK, pouring a large ladle of beans
into a wading pool filled with beans.
MURK
I swear... soon as I see that
friggin' chubhead I'm gonna kick
his---
NERDY VOICE #1 (O.C.)
Hey - do me now! Do me!
We PULL BACK. There are a couple of unclad
nerdy guys lying in the pool. Murk is pouring the beans onto
Nerd #2.
NERD #2
Hey, wait your turn! Ooooh!
