Murk has just arrived home after his wild
night of partying.
MURK
Might as well. No reason to waste
the tail end of a perfectly good
sea lamprey sterilizer buzz.
WALLY
By the way, are you ever planning
to take that chemical again?
MURK
Absolutely! Why?
WALLY
I'd like to suggest you come
up with a catchier name than
'Sea Lamprey Sterilizer.'
Something along the lines of
'crank' or 'horse.'
MURK
I know. Dreg was suggesting
'spume,' ...but he's had a
lot more experience with it.
WALLY
I'd get it trademarked as soon
as you can.
-----
WALLY
Well, I did a little research
into butter sculpting.
(reading)
"The average sculpture requires
six hundred to one thousand
pounds of pure unsalted butter."
MURK
Right... because if you salted
it, it'd melt, I guess.
WALLY
(a look, then, continuing)
"It takes anywhere from one
hundred and twenty to three
hundred hours to complete each
masterpiece."
MURK
Three hundred hours? That's more
than I've worked in the last decade.
WALLY
This artist made a nice little
tableau with a cow and a couple
of children called "Udder Delight."
(then)
Evidently she didn't take quite
so many hours thinking up the title.
MURK
Why's the cow sniffing the girl's
butt?
WALLY
I have to confess to being
stumped by that myself...
MURK
(knowingly)
Country folk, huh.
-----
Murk is obsessing on breasts while looking
at the body-painting sites.
MURK
It's the sea lamprey sterilizer.
Apparently the next day not only
are you temporarily paralyzed,
but you have this overwhelming
urge to suckle.
WALLY
Here, to take you mind off your
infantile urges, check out this
nifty bit of work.
Scrolls to the bottom row and double clicks
on a blue headed face. The photo blows up to what looks like
a guy who's had a face carved out of plum-coloured rock.
WALLY (CONT'D)
There's no way you can see any
breast imagery in a large blue head.
MURK
Not so fast mister big brain...
It could be a badly bruised nipple...
-----
WALLY
Allow me to elucidate!
MURK
Do, and you'll clean it up
yourself.
(then)
Sorry... sometimes you just gotta
let the bad ones out, or you could
injure yourself.
(This gets my vote for the worst joke in the
series.)
-----
This site never responded to our wooing:
www.bway.net/~pedproj/ (There's a photo of
a strolling family and a dog - all looking like black silhouettes.)
WALLY
It's an intriguing form of
performance art called The
Pedestrian Project.
(reading)
"Performers dressed in costumes
inspired by pedestrian crossing
signs appear in public locations
for impromptu performances as
well as completely choreographed
works for specific locations."
MURK
Uh huh...
(then)
And the government had like a
choice between sponsoring this...
or opening a new hospital wing.
WALLY
Not so fast to criticize, Murk.
(reading)
"The works are a blend of social
commentary and visual poetry,
hysterical with serious undertones."
(then)
Sometimes the people need more
than just decent health care, my
philistine friend.
He clicks on PHOTO ALBUM. (The URL doesn't
change.)
There are five rows of photos to chose from.
WALLY (CONT'D)
They need to look at the things
around them with fresh insight.
MURK
Insights like... why the hell have
I been slaving away at a crappy
dead end job all my life when I
can scam a living by dressing like
a charred Teletubbie?
WALLY
Art is what you bring to it, Murk.
Wally clicks on the last row of photos - again
the URL stays the same.
WALLY (CONT'D)
Look... it's a pedestrian crossing
fellah... walking down the train
tracks. It's evocative... wistful...
MURK
And suicidal.
WALLY
Well, all art ultimately addresses
our inescapable mortality, doesn't it.
MURK
(confused)
Did I inadvertently ingest some
poison you're not telling me about?
WALLY
No... why?
MURK
Because you seem to be trying
awfully hard to induce vomiting.
WALLY
Mock all you want... this site
has opened my eyes to a new form
of cultural examination.
MURK
Uh huh... so what are you going
to look at. The figures on the
doors to mens and ladies rooms?
The 'caution, school crossing' kids?
Or how about that dude in the
slippery when wet sign who's
always falling on his ass...
WALLY
My piece is going to look at the
'Don't Cross Hand.'
(then)
I've already got my costume made,
and everything.
-----
WALLY
Laugh all you want, now, Murk.
In a few years don't be surprised
when I get chosen for the
highly prestigious McArthur
Foundation Genius award.
MURK
The McArthur Foundation...
weren't they the band who sang
that lame about leaving the cake
out in the rain?
WALLY
That was Richard Harris, you idiot.
The song was "McArthur Park."
MURK
Same thing.
-----
MURK
So, are you giving up on the
bogus artist thing, yet?
WALLY
Not even close. Where would
Gaughin have been had he quit?
Where would Melville have been
had he quit? Or Pollock or Kerouac
or Bunuel?
MURK
Well, I've never heard of a
single one of 'em, so they
all may as well have.
WALLY
I stand corrected.
-----
WALLY
Remind me never to eat here again.
MURK
Oh, pleeeze - I never stick my
willy in the food... excepting
the soup, of course.
WALLY
You've put your unit in the soup!?
MURK
Well, how else am I supposed to
tell if it's hot enough?
WALLY
I'm going to desperately pray
that was a joke.
MURK
It'll remain one of those little
mysteries that keep relationships
strong.
