WALLY'S SEDUCTION TIPS
FOR DESPERATE BACHELORS

As you have no doubt deduced by now, most women consider me to be quite the catch, and I must confess I've had a great deal of success playing the field -- in fact I consider myself to be quite the swordsman. My not having gotten any action for the last eight months notwithstanding, I've decided it's my civic duty to share some of my basic seduction techniques with our faithful viewers.

SEDUCTION TECHNIQUE NUMBER TWO

Required: Approximately 100 dollars in small bills

You'd be surprised how easy it can be to get free sex from a stripper. Often all you have to do is engage them in a pleasant conversation that doesn't include the sentences:

1) You have really nice bazongas... Even if they are fake.
2) Do you have to shave there every day? Gross.
3) You're just a drug addled whore, aren't you.

...And you'll immediately be pegged as a guy who might be worth getting to know. Don't be a gibbering pig and ask how much a 36DD breast weighs. Instead, ask them their opinions, or about their dreams, or what their idea of a great adventure would be. Anything that engages their latent curiosity. However, there are some questions or observations you don't want to share with her: eg. Never ask them if they're ever noticed that some women's anuses are pink, and others kind of brown. While this is indeed a fascinating point of interest that could keep most of us happily occupied for hours, it's not exactly the kind of conversational fodder designed to get you successfully into the sack. All a stripper really wants to be treated like a regular woman (who just happens to show her pierced vulva to strangers for a living).

WARNING:
Okay, not every stripper wants to be treated like a woman. In every club you'll find a few dancers who subscribe to the theory that bikers are the only men worth having. I can't explain why being with a cretin who belches, breaks wind and needs a mirror on a stick to see his own Johnson turns these women on, it simply does. Strippers who are fond of bikers are very easy to spot - they all have nasty scars on their inside calves, thanks to hot motorcycle tailpipes. If one of these women surprises you by inviting you to come home with her 'to party,' for your own safety I suggest immediately voiding your bowels and weeping like a girl. This will confuse her long enough for you to make your getaway. 

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I've decided it's my civic duty to share some of my basic seduction techniques with our faithful viewers.

SEDUCTION TECHNIQUE NUMBER ONE:

Required: one or more dogs

Not only are dogs good for companionship and loyal and all that folderol, they're also a sure-fire chick magnet. If you can go for a stroll with an adorable Golden Lab puppy and not bag yourself a handful of women's phone numbers, then perhaps you should be visiting another URL. One of those helpful how-to-kill-yourself-at-home Web sites, maybe.

Frolicking in the park with a puppy will make you seem fun, and loving, and nurturing - all the factors a woman requires in order to let you put your unit inside her. (Go figure.)

Even better, depending on the woman, is visiting the park with a dog who insists on humping all the other dogs - female dog, male dog, neutered dog, or even a cat who looks a little bit like a dog, it doesn't care. Some women will find this very exciting, in a primal beastly way and will be even more excited when you shrug and explain that in your extremely successful investing company you have to be the Alpha Dog all day long, and "I guess old Roger here is just taking after his master."

TIP: It's extremely bad form to not clean up after your dog... but it's even worse form to be seen bending over and stuffing dog doot into a little baggie. The solution is to not have the dog perform a public bowel movement at all, and the way to ensure this is to do what they do to circus horses just before a show - ream 'em out with a salad spoon. It might be a bit dodgy and unpleasant a task at first, but eventually the dog will be accustomed to it, and even begin to enjoy it. When this happens, I suggest getting a new dog.

Continued--->
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