SEDUCTION TECHNIQUE NUMBER THREE

Required: teeth

For most of us a trip to the dentist ranks right up there with having spinal fluid drawn or any procedure involving a urologist and an extra long Q-Tip, and yet there's no reason why you can't somehow turn this little ordeal to your advantage.

SEDUCTION TECHNIQUE NUMBER FOUR

Required: gumption

This one is simple. Stroll up to every attractive woman you see (and even the not-so-attractive ones after a while) and say, "You look like you could use a good quick boink." Most will be offended and tell you to piss off, but all it takes is for that one irrationally horny lass to say "Sure, why not," to make your efforts worth while.

TIP: Any woman who'll agree to have sex with a complete stranger who's just propositioned them on the street will also likely want to have it right then and there or (in a minor concession to modesty), in the nearest alleyway. Adjust your style accordingly.

IN CONCLUSION

There you have it. I've started you off with four sure-fire ways to procure yourself some hot sex. If you can't get lucky using these techniques, then perhaps there is no hope for you. You should buy yourself a fleshlight (as featured in episode 15) and some good European porn, and let the rest of us play through.

Enjoy! (...and...errr, let me know if any of these actually work for you. ...errr, you know,...for my files.)

_________________

Hygienists are eager for a little adventure.

Just remember this: Dental hygienists - who are mostly young attractive single women - spend their days picking bits of putrefying food from between people's teeth and idly chatting with a numbingly dull dentist (who's usually preoccupied with how he's going to pay off his enormous dental school debt or already planning his suicide). Hygienists are eager for a little adventure - all it takes is a little charm and reasonably clean teeth.

Anyone with an iota of logic will quickly realize that quick wit and flirtatious banter is difficult when you have so many instruments jammed in your mouth that your lips are as contorted as the vagina of a birthing mare. That's why the successful seducer always arrives at the dentist with sparklingly tidy teeth (because you went to another, less attractive hygienist that morning, of course).

When the hygienist peers into your mouth and finds little or nothing to do, immediately engage her in a discussion about the proper use of dental floss. From there you can skillfully glide the conversation towards a similarly themed topic such as... well... bondage. You can also talk about the optional uses for pulsating water pics, mirrors, and nitrous oxide. You might even suggest that the two of you enjoy a little snoot of laughing gas in order to pass the time until the dentist is due in.

TIP: Evidently hygienists don't swallow - they just rinse and spit.

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